How to Break Up With a Vampire

September 3, 2012 | Vampires, Creatures

A couple of weeks ago I gave you some tips on luring your own personal vampire. If you were successful, about now you are probably looking at some ways to UN-lure him. But let’s face it, vampires aren’t going to be all that receptive to the “It’s not you; it’s me” speech. My guess is me, you… doesn’t matter. They just want their blood and you turned yourself into an all too convenient source.

And it isn’t like you can wait around to outlive him either.

So, what’s a girl or guy to do…

Stakes. This may sound drastic, but stakes are also effective. And I’m not saying you have to USE one. Just leave a few lying around –preferably made of ash or hawthorn, although anything that’s made of wood (chair legs, for example) and is sharp will do. Bonus points if the stake is made in the sign of a cross.

Crosses. I know I told you in that earlier post to rid your home and person of them, but times have changed. Get thyself to the religious goods store and stock up!

If wearing a cross seems too obvious, just leave a rosary lying casually in the car seat. Or an open Bible on the pillow. You know be subtle.

If this doesn’t work, know that these same “hints” can do some real damage.  A cross will leave a nice burn on his forehead. So will a Eucharist Wafer. Holy water is also good for either burning a vampire or threatening him. Knowing Latin also helps. Doesn’t matter what you say. Just as long as it’s in Latin.Ornate Mirror Bane of Vampires

Fire. Ah, who doesn’t love a good story of peasants with their flaming torches? Fire is effective and vampires know it. (Staking a vampire won’t do you much good if some clueless doofus comes along and pulls the stake out. Fire pretty much seals the deal.) Knowing that, vampires tend to instinctively steer away from it.

Have a weenie roast in the back yard or plan a “romantic” evening in front of a roaring fire. Nothing says “we’re over” to a vampire like a nice open flame.

Garlic. Been avoiding that favorite Italian restaurant? Time for some take out! Extra garlic bread please! Or maybe your kitchen needs a pick me up. Nothing freshens a room like a nice wreath of garlic.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall. You have spent two weeks wondering how you look to others. Time to bring back the mirrors, and don’t go small. Go BIG. Nice floor to ceiling mirrors that your undead love can’t help but NOT see himself in.

Get a New Best Friend. Ever see The Lost Boys or Underworld? Vampires and canines do not mix. Don’t be shy. Adopt a husky (one of my favorites) or whatever wolfy cousin sings to your soul.

If none of these work? You might want to schedule your next date around a Buffy marathon.

He’ll get the idea.

(Check out all my stories featuring vampires here.)